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AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...

Did ya ever notice on movies and TV...

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want
without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any
before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that
light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and
children never have time to eat it. 

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who
is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

                  Why Beer is better than milk....

The dairy industry spends more than $300 million every year to convince people to drink gallons of the white stuff, but PETA's sentiments are with savvy health officials who warn that dairy products have four major drawbacks. Milk and cheese: 1) are loaded with fat and cholesterol; 2) are frequently contaminated with pesticides and drugs; 3) are linked to diabetes, heart disease, and certain cancers; and 4) may even cause osteoporosis, the very disease that the dairy industry loves to use as a selling point in its ads, because the excess protein in dairy products leaches calcium from the bones. (The Harvard Nurses’ Study shows almost twice as many bone breaks among women who drink three glasses of milk a day as compared to women who drink little to no milk.)

Here's why beer is better

A nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals that: